Mars and Venus Revisited Part I

The idea of intimacy sounds wonderful on paper but is often much harder in practice.  Terms like trust, vulnerability, and love are often thrown out in conversation with enthusiasm and excitement, as they should be, but in practice they can be confusing, tense, and terrifying.  So how do we make sense of this crazy little thing called love?

Let’s start at the start…

I was sitting at the Nairobi International Airport waiting on a flight.  There was a boy there with his parents.  He was excited to the point of sliding across the floor and dancing.  This was his first flight alone.  From what I could tell he was traveling to India to visit family.  His Mother and Father were with him, definitely looking a little nervous about his first venture alone.  As he was dancing and sliding he looked over at me and I waved.  He suddenly stopped dancing and with some embarrassment he hid his face in his Mother’s dress.  He waited for a few seconds and then looked back to see if I was still there.  He smiled shyly and slowly began to slide and dance again.  The more confident he became the more he danced, finally to the point of showing off his dancing skills.  He knew that he had a captive audience and was working to keep that attention.  He slid harder and looked over more frequently to make sure I was seeing his athletic prowess at work.  I smiled again and he smiled back.  Sliding harder, to the point that he fell over, he became a embarrassed.  With that he ran back to his Mother’s side hiding once more.  He repeated the process two or three more times.  The reality was that he wanted attention, approval.  The more positive my response the more he risked.  He fell two or three more times but finally was sliding and falling all over with out embarrassment. 

By nature we all want to be acknowledged and accepted.  As we grow up our slides and dance moves become more complicated.  Our audience becomes much wider and our displays at times end up looking like the actions of a little boy sliding and falling.  We often grow embarrassed and run to the arms of safe behavior.  We rebuild walls of propriety and act, “normal” again.  The more we risk, the more normal the falls and slips become and eventually we learn to have a confidence in our own actions.  Sometimes we become excellent at embracing risks and performing in front of our imaginary audience.  There are times when we come across a very different Audience.  For men, we fall pray to the attention of the fairer sex.  We crave to be noticed and accepted and our slides and dances look more like an awkward mating ritual.  We try to look cool and in control.  We try to pull off the smooth dance moves of a George Clooney but often look more like Curious George.  This performance is one that we wrestle to balance.  Questions come to mind and insecurities mount.  We have to decide is it worth the risk of looking like a Curious George bouncing about awkwardly to gain the attention of the lovely object of our bumbling ritual.  As men we don’t do awkward well, though we do, do it often.  At the root of the insecurity we are asking two questions… One, are we acceptable? And secondly are we enough to maintain the attention of our new audience.

If you want to see this theory in practice just go out in public.  I play basketball at the local courts in Salmiya.  Mostly the audience is a group of sweaty guys talking trash and attempting to exert some form of social dominance on the court.  But, every so often there is that subtle feminine presence, it could be someones girlfriend or just a girl with her friends.  When, “She” is present everything changes.  The guys play harder, their look is more intense and they will try harder shots hoping to gain her attention and to prove to themselves that they are enough to hold that attention.  They basically want her to know that they are, “The Man”.

The lighter side of this is when those shots are missed and a guy looks more like a ball hog, receiving the criticism of his teammates.  He will quickly puff up his chest and become defensive.  He will return criticism with anger and sometimes will become even more of a ball hog or the opposite will simply pass the ball and not shoot any more.  Rarely do you see a player recognize the potential grace in his awkwardness, the gentle or not so gentle tug of his teammates and find balance as a player but mostly as a man playing a game with other men in the midst of a beautiful onlooker.

Why do we crave this attention so much?  Why, when you go to a club do you see the same dynamics at work?  You will see guys dressed in everything from Armani to Thug, strutting through the club as if it’s very existence dependent on their presence.  You’ll see guys come up with the craziest lines, silliest bravado, and some strange dance moves.  This of course is often reinforced by a few shots of liquid courage, which pushes them to risk more and balance less.  It is a truly amazing sight.  Most of the time this persona is met with rejection and the exchange of a fake phone number.  The guy walks away feeling like he’s won the trophy of manhood and in the background is a group of girls giggling and laughing.  The guy feels affirmed, that is until the following day when he dials the number and someone at Pizza Hut answers.

We crave to be accepted from the time we are a little child until we are the awkward guy on the basketball court or the king of disco fever performing intensely 30 years after disco died.  We have a deep need to be seen, to be known.  I think that we confuse being praised by our image for being truly accepted.  So our image grows regardless of whether it is genuine, fueled by insecurity or one too many shots of Cuervo.  Deep down we know that we are awkward and we crave to be accepted in our awkwardness but fear being seen as weak.

Girls, at this point I know you are all agreeing and probably remembering all the times you have been the object of this awkward show of testosterone and caveman behavior, but you are in this as well.  Being more graceful by nature and having twice as many neural connections for social engagement you are much more elegant in your awkwardness but it’s there…

I was recently talking to a good friend about her perception of herself and how she sees the world around her.  She is very graceful, quite beautiful actually.  When we got down to the facts, she shared that rare moment of fleeting composure.  Her eyes looked down and she said, “you know girls are so critical of each other.  It doesn’t matter what I wear, how smart I am, what I do for a living there are always girls looking for tiny cracks and imperfections.”  I was amazed.  I thought she was a really confident person and that she pretty much had it all together.  She continued, “you know what I really want?  I want to just walk out with no make up, no heels, just pretty much me without the covering of who I’m told I should be, and just be accepted for that.  Don’t get me wrong, I like it when men notice how I look, but there’s a lot more to me than my hair and my heels.”  I asked what it was like to have those moments where guys would do silly things to get her attention.  She said, “sometimes it’s sweet, you know?  Here’s this guy who’s probably really nice trying to be something that he’s not, I can see it from a mile away, but you know, he’s risking.  I like that.  Those other guys that pretty much live like they are the coolest act in town? Those are the ones who believe they really are that façade.  Then they want me to be in the façade with them and then it’s all about my hair and heels again.  I want more than that.  I’d rather have the silly guy that is awkward and knows it, at least he can see there’s more to me than that other stuff. “

I thought this was truly profound.  Guys, here’s the reality… They know we’re goofy and awkward.  It’s out there.  Girls, we know that beneath the layers of grace and beautiful eyes that there’s insecurity.  We see it. 

So that leaves us with one question.  What do we do now?

Here’s the deal. Over the next couple of weeks I want to know your feedback and stories.  I want to take those stories and begin a conversation that will hopefully lead us to an answer.  Guys?  What do you want?  How do you go about it? Ladies?  What is it in a guy that you treasure?  What do you really want from all of us awkward hairy humans?

I’m looking forward to hearing your input and also to continuing this conversation.

-JRS